It's been a while since last writing on here, for reasons both good and bad I suppose. The good would be school, and my ultra-decimation of the "Masters" degree from the University of Texas at Arlington. It took a miserably long 2.5 years, more patience and will-power than I ever thought I possessed, and shortened my already short hair, but I think, no, I know that it was all worth it.
The bad is my ongoing struggle with the world of love, or Love, depending on how you look at it. It's not a struggle so much as it is an endless race, a sprint, a marathon, a desperate reach for something that's been so close to my grasp only a few times. I want it more than anything, but I don't particularly know why. That sounds dumb, so let me explain.
Look back on that first person you truly felt something for. That girl with the ocean eyes. The girl whose smile melted everything you've ever felt. Anyway, remember them. And why was it that you liked them? What specifically about them made you ache, made every encounter, every glance or smile or hug or kiss special? Why did you fall for her and not the girl next to her? Why her?
And now the kick; Would you still love her today?
Was it love to start with? Or just an infatuation with a girl that showed you the slightest bit of attention? Do those ocean eyes mean anything if you don't have anything in common? Does that young love survive the transition from fantasy to reality, or does it fall into that sad chasm of "What if"?
Love is compicated. It's not as easy as it used to be, as if it ever really was. I used to be enamored by a girl in high school simply because she wrote "Hello Dan" on her graphing calculator in calculus. Why is it that today nothing moves me like that? My chest used to burn at the thought of a girl; now I have to search for that feeling. It seems like a fleeting memory, a dream that fell away as the eyes opened. I want to be young and feel that for someone again. I miss the simplicity of love.
Instead we're treated with increasing complexity, boundaries, games, competition, and technology. People get married not because they love each other, but because all of their friends are married and they think that they're behind in some family-raising race. I won't do that, but I envy that they at least have a shoulder to lean on now and then.
I'm also a bit concerned about my friends. None of them particularly interest me anymore, which is a terrible thing to say, but it's true. They're one-dimensional, stuck in the same plane that they'll always be stuck in, but they're happy there. And I think that's what gets me more than anything... I know that I'm made for something great, and I know that it'll be in architecture. And that truly does make me happy, as I love my job with a passion. But I want that feeling for everyone and it just isn't there. I don't know if I've just hit upon a hidden vein of society, or if my friends truly are just different than me.
They work to be with the people they love. I love to be with my work. Maybe that's what's wrong with me.
Sorry for the depressing post. I've been in a strange mood as of late. More later.
D
