I'm going tonight because I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed and frustrated and frankly pissed off about some things and this happens to be my only outlet, even if it's only read by myself on nights when I've got nothing else to do. I need some escape from this stuff, and given the fact that 90% of the people I talk to on a daily basis are either arrogant or ignorant, I can't help but feel like the cold precision of text is the best way to go.
Last summer I met a girl. Or rather, this girl met me. Through a religious schedule of Thursday lunch meetings between me and architecture friends of mine, I was eventually introduced to her. We'll call her Susan because that's not her name and I don't know anyone called Susan. Anyway, through a series of escalatingly awesome meetings and get togethers, I developed strong feelings for this girl and really enjoyed spending just about every moment I could with her. It culminated on a night that will forever be etched in my brain as an exercise in the virtues of right and wrong, good and bad decisions. Let me explain.
Susan and I and my roommate went out for ice cream one night, then margaritas, then back to our place to watch a movie. Susan sat next to me, I poked Susan in the foot, and then 10 minutes later she was cuddled up next to me, her head on a pillow on my lap, holding my hand and letting me play with her hair as we watched 500 Days of Summer (sadly appropriate now that I think about it). Anyway, she fell asleep there, I woke her up later, and then drove her home (something like 6 am), but not after she made some glaringly obvious comments about a bed and about me in it.
Try as I might, I'm not a bad guy. I'm not going to take advantage of anyone, especially a dead-tired girl who may have had a few too many margaritas. I'm just not programmed like that, and I never will be. I drove her home, hugged her like she was going away, and then went home to sleep. Which I couldn't. I was thinking about too much. This girl, that I just about adored at that point, basically just confirmed everything that I was wondering; That she liked me just as much as I did her. The next day I was a complete mess, contradicting myself, second guessing everything that had happened, and generally not believing that last night actually happened. Until she texted me from the mall with some pictures of a t-shirt she thought I would find funny. And then found an article on Nicolas Cage online that she thought I'd like. And just to say that she enjoyed last night as much as I did.
I was in heaven. I literally could not be happier. I freaking owned everything I touched at work, not even batting an eye when more work was piled on because there wasn't a thing in the world that could keep me down. I knew that something was clicking into place, that the wheel of God was slowly turning that next cog and life was moving on from the hum-drum existence that I was before driving myself into. I was unstoppable. I had Susan.
And then I didn't. She had a boyfriend that she somehow forgot to mention. She was moving to the other side of the country in 3 weeks. She had me wrapped around her little finger, and she knew it. I was screwed before I even got started.
Anyway, she left. I was sad. She never got in touch with me again, though she swore she would when she left. I text her every national holiday, using it as an excuse to somehow stay in contact with this magical girl I held for a night. She replies, but it's always short and sweet, never saying anything more than familiarities.
This was last July.
I was sad for a long time about it, all the way until Valentine's Day when I understood that nothing was there, that she was just looking for attention and I was an easy supplier of that. So I didn't contact her after that, and haven't since. She slowly began to fade from memory, becoming just an image, an idea that I once had, not a solid thing that I once held in my arms. I remember the thought of her, not the soul.
And then today happened. I didn't go to church today (Easter), and I haven't really since Susan left. I believe in God, and understand that my life would not be anything if it wasn't for Him to guide me in the right direction, but I couldn't figure out why on earth He would show me Susan. What purpose did it serve? Why was I shown something that I wanted so much, only to have it snatched away and corrupted? There didn't seem any logical reason for it, so I got angry about it, frustrated at God and His confusing ways of doing things. Susan was perfect and good and I was so happy, but then it was taken from me, and I revolted against the thing that I've done my whole life; Trust in God. Why should I do things to praise you when I get hurt like that? I know it was for a reason, I just want to know what that reason is. I'm not denying that you're Lord, I'm just objecting to suffering when I've done nothing wrong.
I have these conversations, these angry outbursts at God about life, and I'm not happy about them. I'm embarrassed. My Dad is a pastor and I'm supposed to be a devout follower, never straying from the path because I've not only got one Father guiding me, I've got two. But I can't sometimes. I can't be dealt blow after blow, opportunity and hope dangled in front of me like a horse with carrot. I've got growing to do, I know that, but it hurts.
Anyway, today happened. I didn't go to church and I'd been thinking about it all the week prior. I should go. I should go. I should go. And then I didn't. I don't know why I didn't, I'm just out of the habit I suppose. I felt bad about it, as I should have, but, as with everything that isn't an immediate sensation, I gradually forgot about it as the day wore on. I sketched some stuff for school. I listened to music. I watched the storm outside. I checked Facebook.
And that's where it came from. I was joking around with a friend on Facebook and I happened to glance to the right of the screen. Up in the top right was a little box with a picture, a picture of a girl that looked awfully familiar. A girl that I admit I searched for more than a few times on Facebook, hoping to keep in contact with her once she left. I couldn't find her however because she keeps the profile super secret and only you can only be friends with her if she invites you. And that girl was Susan. There she was, smiling back at me from a tiny box on a screen. I clicked her name, anxious and nervous and mad all at once, and was taken to her profile, where I clicked through some of her photos and felt my heart crash through my stomach.
I closed the computer and paced around for a while, arguing and asking God why. Because I didn't go to church? Because I haven't been in a long time? Why would you bring her up again after 9 months of silence? I searched for her for days when she left, trying to find any scrap of information about the girl, to come up with absolutely nothing. Not a character, not a note about her anywhere. I was beginning to think that I'd just made her up and then this happens. On Easter.
Why?
The proverbial question I'll be asking right up until the day I die.
Now I'll be thinking about her constantly again, and that doesn't solve anything, nor does it really make me feel all that much better about life. There's no point dwelling on something lost, but this one was hard to forget. There are certain people that stick with you, that make such an impression that they become a part of you. There are only two or three people I can say that about in my life, two or three individuals that have made me a part of who I am today. I don't know if Susan was one. I'm not allowed to know the answer apparently.
Thanks for listening, internet. You never fail to provide an outlet for bad ideas.
